


The time Crowley got stuck in the internet, and accidentally created a virus that spread across America

by GreenGlitchBitch



Series: Good Omens [25]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 70s Crowley, Aziraphale and Crowley have one brain cell, Crowley accidentally creates a computer virus, Crowley does not get to hold it at all in this fic, Crowley owns a night club, Established Relationship, Getting Together, God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Narrator God (Good Omens), Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), and gets very embarrassed by it, and the internet, crowley does something dumb, how crowley learned he could travel through phone lines, inspired by Ace Omens again, kind of crack, on accident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28677594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenGlitchBitch/pseuds/GreenGlitchBitch
Summary: It is no secret that for demons and angels, size and shape are options. They can change both at any moment, though most choose not to. It can be very difficult to do your job when you’re small enough to dance on the head of a pin. But, for Crowley, being that small is more than just an option. He’s used it many times to travel around the world quickly. He could be in London one moment, and the next, he’s in Russia (though, he doesn’t go there often. Too cold for him). And sure, he could travel by demonic miracle, but that’s so wasteful when he has wings. And why would he tire his wings out, when he could simply travel through the phone lines?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Good Omens [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621834
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20





	The time Crowley got stuck in the internet, and accidentally created a virus that spread across America

**Author's Note:**

> This is yet another fic inspired by the incredible Ace Omens discord chat! You guys are such enablers, I love you all! We came up with this awesome idea of how Crowley learned he could travel through the phone lines, which developed into us wondering about him traveling through the internet, and this fic was born! I was trying to go for a God narration, not unlike my first GO fic, but a bit more like the show than that fic. I'm also considering turning this idea into a series where God just tells stories of all the dumb shit Crowley and Aziraphale have done over the last 6000 years. Anyway, this was born from a bunch of wonderful ideas, and the idea was too good not to write, and I hope everyone enjoys it, because it was so much fin to write!!

It is no secret that for demons and angels, size and shape are options. They can change both at any moment, though most choose not to. It can be very difficult to do your job when you’re small enough to dance on the head of a pin. But, for Crowley, being that small is more than just an option. He’s used it many times to travel around the world quickly. He could be in London one moment, and the next, he’s in Russia (though, he doesn’t go there often. Too cold for him). And sure, he could travel by demonic miracle, but that’s so wasteful when he has wings. And why would he tire his wings out, when he could simply travel through the phone lines?

He was a master at that by now, zooming from one phone to the next with ease. But, he was not always this skilled. It took decades of practice, and a few mistakes he had to learn from along the way. He would be incredibly mad with me, if he knew I was sharing this story with you. But, there isn’t much he can do about it, except be mad, so I’ll tell you anyway.

Traveling through the phone lines was something he rather learned he could do by accident, and a rather embarrassing one at that. It was back in the late 70s, when he still sported that Me awful caterpillar of a mustache, and when he thought bell bottoms were the most amazing trousers ever invented by humans. (He refuses to admit that these days, but I still remember. I never forgot) He was sitting in his flat, the most awful shag carpeting on the floor. He didn’t have that throne of his back then, so he was sitting on a very uncomfortable chair, speaking to a client of his. See, what most people don’t realize about Crowley in the 70s is, he was an avid businessman. He owned, and ran, a night club in Soho, that just happened to be a few blocks from a certain A.Z.Fell Antiquarian bookshop. He had not planned for his club to be so close to his enemies' home operations, not at all. That location just happened to be the cheapest place on the market so close to his own base of operations (i.e. his Mayfair flat).

Anyway, he was on the phone with one of his clients, boring him to discorporation about booking the club for a party in a few weeks. Crowley was flipping through the only available distractor he had on hand, a telephone book. Ordinarily, you would be hard pressed to find any kind of book in Crowley’s flat, but this was an exception. He owned a business for Satan’s sake! (As he would put it) So, naturally, he owned a phone book. But, as he flipped through the phone book, ignoring the man on the phone, he came across the name of a cafe he hadn’t heard of before. It looked like it was new, perhaps only opened within the last week.

_ Huh _ , He thought.

_ I’ll bet Aziraphale might like to try that place _ . Next thing he knew, he had shrunk down to miniscule size, and was traveling very fast through his phone line, feeling a bit panicked. Had Hell finally figured him out? Was this Heaven’s doing? He was so unsure, until he made it out on the other side. He flew out of another phone, and landed, full sized. His eyes had not yet adjusted, but he recognized the smell. He was now in Aziraphale’s shop. As his vision came back to him, he saw he was standing in front of the very frightened looking angel, phone in hand. Both beings knew they had the same look of confusion and slight horror on their faces. (It was rather hilarious, I wish phone cameras had been invented back then. I still laugh about it sometimes) Crowley nervously looked around the shop, as Aziraphale still stared at him, too shocked to move.

“Uh...hi..angel” Crowley said, and then promptly passed out. He didn’t know it, but that finally spurred the angel into action, and Aziraphale caught him before he hit the ground. (Which did indeed warm my heart. They were both idiots for 6000 years, worrying what I would do to them if I found out they were in love. I had known since Eden, and believe me, all I wanted was to see them kiss!) It wasn’t until much later, after Crowley had woken up on Aziraphale’s couch, feeling disoriented, that he realized 2 things. Firstly, that he’d have to call that very boring man back. And secondly, that traveling through the phone lines might prove to be of use in the future. (He also realized that he had left without explaining anything to Aziraphale, but he didn’t know what had happened either, so it wasn’t like he could have had an answer to Aziraphale’s confused questions)

Now, I’ve told you this embarrassing story of Crowley, to tell you another, equally embarrassing story about Crowley. I can’t help it. You know how mom’s can be, full of stories about their kids. And trust me when I say, he has done so many story worthy things.

It was a year after he and Aziraphale had saved the world from the apocalypse, and the two of them finally confessed their feelings. (And yes, in case you’re wondering, I did cry happy tears, which then freaked out every angel up in Heaven) They were visiting the friends who had helped avert Armageddon, along with the witch and witch finder descendants, the Antichrist the rest of The Them. (And, now that I think about it, Adam might actually be my first official, human grandchild. I owe him quite a few Christmas and birthday presents. I’ll think on that later) Anyway, they were sitting around, talking, when The Them found out he could travel through the phone lines.

“Wait, so you can shrink yourself down, and go wherever you want, by traveling through cell phones?” Brian asked, an excited gleam in his eyes that reminded me of Crowley from so long ago. Crowley simply nodded, and the children got even more excited.

“Can you travel through the internet?” Pepper asked, and Crowley’s eyes lit up, looking just as excited as the children. 

“You know, I’ve never actually tried that. Until now, that is” he said, and quickly pulled out his cell phone, which always had wifi, because he expected it to. He opened up the Google app, and winked at the kids and Aziraphale, who was rolling his eyes. (albeit, lovingly. He was very used to Crowley’s shenanigans by now, and knew the only way to appease the demon, was to let him tire himself out) Crowley shrunk himself down, and jumped into the internet. And immediately got stuck. He wandered around for quite some time, at least, it felt like several hours. In real time, it was around 30 seconds. After wandering around, he found himself stuck even further, in an unnamed file, being emailed to America. (And yes, by now, I was couldn’t breath with laughter. Not that I need to breath, but it was incredibly funny to watch Crowley, once a great and powerful angel in Heaven, one of my oldest children, get lost in the internet out of his own stupidity)

While being sent an email in the real world only takes up to a few minutes, Crowley felt like it had taken days to finally reach his destination. When he finally landed in the other email, his demonic nature instantly corrupted the file, and created a virus. The virus quickly spread to more and more computers, and before anybody knew it, the NSA had caught word of a virus that had been sent by London, to attack American military secrets, and weaken the nation. (Which is absurd, but that’s Americans for you) 

All the while, poor Crowley was stuck getting sent from computer to computer, accidentally spreading the virus, and trying to get a word out to his angel to save him. In the end, he did make it all the way back to his phone, after what felt like a month of trying, when in reality, it was only about 3 hours. (Good on the American government, to get to the bottom of a new virus sweeping the nation in under 5 hours). The first thing Crowley did when he left the internet, and returned to the real world, full sized, was pull Aziraphale into a hug, which confused the angel deeply.

Much later, after returning home to the bookshop, where Crowley now lived with the angel, did either of them discover just what had happened. It turned out, Crowley had accidentally created a virus that attacked the computer with a random question, and the pixelated image of a snake. As the virus had first been discovered on an Apple Mac, the American Government decided to dub the virus “The Eden Serpent Virus”, after the “serpent that had corrupted Eve and created the original sin”. Crowley still hates the virus, and Aziraphale has never let him live it down. (I, for one, love the virus, and I’m the reason it’s still around. What are mothers for, if not to embarrass our children every once in a while?) But, since then, Crowley has refused to even step foot into the internet, and refuses to talk about it to anyone.

**Author's Note:**

> Also, if you guys have any ideas for stories God could tell about Crowley and Aziraphale, leave them in the comments! I love this idea so much, and I want to more with it!


End file.
